oh how did this happen.
this isn't what i forsee nor what i wanted.
it feels terrible that this whole thing had to happen
i never wanted this to happen between us.
girl, you know i didn't want this.
you, the only thing i ever needed in life.
The only girl that i truly devote myself to,
after many heartbreaks in my 20 years of life.
Take away all the people in the world, take away everything,
i'm fine as long as i have you.
I'm certain that you're gonna be the one that i will spend my life with happily ever after.
not what it has become.
But....
what has happened between us.
Love has always been my motivation.
I will kill,die,live and do anything for it.
But i've never in my life to hurt you.
Never in my right mind that i want to hurt you..
Days pasted by
after that cursed event,
i'm starting to lose myself in everything.
my authority to care and show love to you,
somehow diminished.
I mean to not hold you, hug you and show love to you was never written in my heart
i don't know how i am going to survive this.
i couldn't take the extreme changes.
What used to be so warm suddenly turned so cold.
i can't take this,
i've always promised everyone that i will not end my life in all my previous heartbreaks
But last night,
the ground on the first floor looked so appealing for me to fall from the 4th level.
The reason why i stayed alive the glimpse of hope
i believe in what you say that we can understand each other better and
maybe in the future get together again.
I BELIEVED in that and that has become my only motivation to survive
i don't know what have become of us.
i can't even call you and tell you how much i miss you now.
i wish you knew how much i missed you and needed you.
Lovers to friends?
i've never believed in such things.
Nevertheless i promised you that we stay friends first,
cause you wanted me to understand you more and you to understand more
to have a lasting relationship til our death
Like how you told me.
And for our happiness, i accepted what i don't want to
i'm really afraid of losing you
REALLY AFRAID.
Seriously i don't think i can take this.
i'm losing myself more and more
i miss YOU!
i need YOU!
I've always been a quiet guy and i don't really know how to express myself.
Remember how i always tell you i wish you could take out my heart
and see how if beats for you.
That's the only reason i can think of for you to understand me.
I'm getting more and more crazy as day goes by.
worst of all is being stuck in camp.
with no where to wander, no place alone.
the only place i can hide to cry is only when i bathe in the showers
nevertheless my friends saw me crying and it's fine
i don't really care for how they feel towards me.
cause they ain't you,
the world can't hurt me.
neither can it bring me down
except you.
i try to think positive,
we'll kiss and hug and everything will be fine.
But sorry i can't, everywhere i go in camp
i'm dropping tears.
In the rest room, in the office, in the vehicle shed.
Each time i'm awake and when you come to my mind
which is like 99.999999999% of the time.
I'll miss you, then again when i think of the sad tragic we've come to
i will weep like a baby.
I mean it's okay for soldiers to drop tears,
forget about pride,
forget about everything,
all i want now is you by my side and everything is just like before.
Before the storm, before this tragic tragedy.
There is this saying:
The man who ceased to fear has ceased to care.
I agree with it 100%
cause i've always put myself in the heck care mentality attitude
There is nothing to fear cause i don't care about what people think of me.
But this time, i can't.
stop caring for you was something i was never taught nor programmed to,
and i'll never learn to stop caring for you.
I put you first in my life,
your happiness means everything to me
you being happy brings the warmth in me.
i wish we could go back to where the happiness it.
everyday i cry myself to sleep in camp
and last night was the worst
i had 3 dreams.
and now i'm afraid of sleeping.
All 3 dreams were sweet,
first dream,
i dream that we went out still together
but when i woke up. i realized the happiness was gone
it was all a lie, a dream.
i sat on my bed for 3 hours before being brave enough to sleep again!
2nd dream,
i dream that we went out again but different place.
i woke up, it was a lie.
i cried my ass off!
3rd dream it was the same dream
i cried my ass off again as i curled myself to sleep
wishing that someone would comfort me
even a ghost
i was that pathetic
i ran in first for today again
breaking my record of 9.30sec to 8.17 sec
a big leap, but all this time
you were on my mind,
my motivation.
my blood
my oxygen
the spirit in my life.
